Detachment isn't kind or unkind it just is - a state of being if you will. It really is possible to be objective and realistic about situations and people. In fact when we are able to let go of our attachment to the outcome we are able to let go of all the emotions that strive to control us. It is much more powerful to stand in action as opposed to reaction. It is way too easy to get caught up in all the emotion which usually leads to feeling like we have no choice which leads to feelings of powerlessness. The reality is that we do have a choice and we are powerful. In fact when we are very clear about what we will and will not tolerate, what we will or will not do then we are able to create and enforce our own personal boundaries. I'm not saying that this is an easy thing to do it takes great courage and LOTS of practice!
It is super easy to forget or ignore the fact that we have absolutely NO power or control over someone else. The only person that we have any control over is ourselves. When I first learned this it was very challenging to embrace but then it was a huge relief! It meant that I was no longer responsible for anyone but myself. I was no longer responsible for 'making' someone else happy or 'causing someone else's unhappiness. The flip side of this is that no one else is responsible for MY happiness or unhappiness. After all it is a two way street.
When we love someone or something it is so easy to get caught up in 'helping' them. Sometimes our help is actually hurting them. When it comes to our children it is sooooo easy to try to protect them from all harm and pain. The reality is that every time we step in and protect them from harm we both preventing them form learning life lessons and we are telling them by our actions that we don't believe that they are capable of handling the situation on their own. When we allow our children to fail or deal with a painful situation on their own we tell them that we believe in them and know that they are capable. I'm not talking about basic safety issues I'm talking about challenges with friends, homework, things that life throws at them - at us. By allowing them to try to figure it out on their own and providing a soft and loving place to land when they fall they will be able to pick themselves back up and try again. When we allow them the opportunity to try to work things out for themselves we allow them to grow strong and confident within themselves.
A visual that I try to keep in my mind is that I am standing in my very own sandbox and you are standing in your very own sandbox. I see you trying to build a sand castle but it keeps falling down. I have a choice I can step out of my sandbox into your sandbox and build your castle for you which really wouldn't be helpful for you or I can watch from my sandbox and wait for you to ask for my help at which point I can come along side of you and offer suggestions, encouragement and support knowing that you are fully capable of building the castle on your own. When I allow you to build your own castle you gain strength and confidence in your abilities which is a good thing.
I have found that it is much easier to focus on other people, things and situations than focusing on what I need to do to help make me the best possible me I can. It can be a very painful and challenging process (and usually is!) but so worth the effort. When I focus on others I can avoid looking at me and what I need to work on but when all is said and done it IS all about me. I create most of the drama in my life intentionally or unintentionally. God gives me the gift of the drama to see how I'll handle it He wants to see if I've learned the lesson yet. Sometime I have and sometimes I haven't but that's okay because I'm a work in progress.
There is a saying 'Let Go and Let God'. It's a great saying, a profound saying - it sounds simple enough how hard could it be? This is probably the hardest thing that I ever struggle with. Sure I Let Go and Let God and then I take it right back in the same breath. The trick is to give it away and NOT take it back. After all whatever is going to happen is going to happen and there's not a whole lot we can do about it. We can work really hard on something and have it fail, we can put our heart and soul into making a relationship work which falls apart, we can train for a fitness event then not be able to compete, we can do our absolute best and still fall short and THAT'S OKAY.
We can only ever do our best and give our all and sometimes it's enough and sometimes it isn't. The important thing is that we tried, we put ourselves out there for the world to see and every time we do that we move forward, we gain strength, power and confidence in ourselves and it makes it that much easier to stand in our place of personal power. For when we stand in our place of personal power we allow others to do the same which is what detachment is all about.
You Can do ANYTHING because you are POWERFUL!
Jennifer Malcoha Chief Executive Officer of Fun!