I learned years ago in a 12 step recovery program the phrase "We're only as sick as our secrets." The more secretive a person is the sicker they are. Secrets take a lot of hard work and energy to keep. At some point, those secrets will catch up to the one keeping the secrets and wreak havoc in their life, and then all that hard work is for naught.
I took that phrase to heart when I learned it and have worked diligently to clear out all the secrets hiding in the closet. I've done a great job clearing them out and now I'm working on the last one.
The Big One.
The one I've told myself for YEARS. That all was right in my world, that my husband loved me and that we could be happy. All I had to do was love him more, keep the house cleaner, be different in whatever way he wanted and not make waves. If I did these things then he would KNOW how much I loved him and it would motivate and inspire him to love me back.
I had a healing session yesterday and one of the first things out of my mouth, when she asked me what was coming up for me, was "I just don't want to see the truth." I can blame my to be ex-husband all day long for his actions but the truth is, I allowed his behavior by 'not wanting to see the truth.' This means I have to take responsibility for MY actions as unpleasant as that is.
Once we see something it can't be unseen.
What I choose to do about what I see is entirely up to me.
The truth is, is that I'm recovering from choosing to live willingly with my abuser. For subjecting my Sons to his abuse, especially my youngest Son. I have a lot to make amends for with my Sons, however, I have many more amends to make to myself.
I was taught from birth by my mother and father that all I deserved was to be abused. That's all I knew so when it came time to choose my mate, that's what I chose. And I stayed because I chose not to believe that I had chosen an abuser.
Hindsight is 20/20
Sure I could beat myself up for my choices but what good would that do? No good would come from that. Who would that serve? No one, especially me. I'm choosing life. I'm choosing freedom. I'm choosing to heal all the wounds so that I can make myself whole.
No more secrets. No more lies. No more selling my soul for crumbs. No more sickness.
I trust that God and the Universe have a plan for me. I trust that I will be well cared for. I trust that by walking through this nightmare with my eyes wide open and allowing myself to feel all the pain, I will leave this part of my life behind me so that I can stand fully in the Beautiful life filled with Love and Joy that is waiting for me on the other side.
All I have to do is walk through the fire of purification to purge all the past so that I can break free from the trauma and the lies. I’m ready to take that walk because I Got This.
If you see yourself in my writing please know that you are NOT alone. That you do NOT deserve to be abused. That you ARE worthy. You ARE loveable. You ARE amazing. That you too can break free and breath the fresh air of Deserving. And that you don’t have to do this alone.
Huge Love to you all,
Written by Jennifer MalochaOn April 19, 2014